I finished the course this morning at around 7:30; by then we were speaking again, and had been allowed to speak since the previous afternoon which was a jolt to the mind and I felt clumsy, though most of the people seemed eager to chat. I felt like staying on my own. But my roommate, whom I hadn't even glanced at in 9 days was a friendly fellow who has done the course many times in his life so we had deep conversation and explored our experiences together. His was much like mine, even after all these years of meditation.
I meditated for 10 days straight, and spoke only a handful of words in that time. silent. in that time, as i made use of the teacher's, S. N. Goenka from Burma, advice, i explored deeper into my mind, and thoughts and ideals and ideas became experiential realities in the body. Very profound.
We stopped talking on the evening of day 0, and from then on, it was like we were in our own worlds, not even making eye contact or recognizing eachother in any way. This is not to say that there wasn't contact of a sort; like the typical clearing of throats and burping and farting that seemed almost constant at times. Behind me for five days a young guy sniffled until I thought I might turn around and strangle him, so instead I asked if I could change seats (we could speak briefly to the teachers if we needed), and I did. But then I realized that now in my new seat, my neighbour was fidgety and clearly not concentrating, tapping his finger and changing his position, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, and slowly it dawned on me that I can't change these things, but must change myself; and it was these realizations, as the meditation took us deeper and deeper that became more and more profound as I came to find that my mind lacks answers to life's deepest issues and that the only way to truly find freedom and peace and balance is to learn to listen to the deepest levels of the body, the sensations. Awareness and equanimity; these two words became my whole world. Be aware of the body, don't think, feel the changes come and fall away, feel the pains in my legs, agony at times, but don't react, just observe, be aware, feel the mosquito bite but don't react; for like every other event, every sensation, this too will pass. And be equanimous. Don't crave for pleasure, don't be averse to pain; know that these are and always will be, impermanent.
In this order the thinking mind offered alternatives to meditation, in order by day:
random chatter--usual meandering stream.
constant images--flashes of image of various kinds, fewer words.
specific chatter--no more images, or fewer, but more specific thought; doubt.
a single song--happened to be kickapoo, Tenacious D. Had to be. So annoying.
long dialogues--longer more focused trains of thought, doubt beginning to be handled.
another song--can't remember which, but all day going on.
traumatic experiences relived--childhood and adolescence; emotionally charged.
sex--images, difficult to 'just observe'.
thinking again--last day, tough to concentrate, but times of real focus as well.
These realizations came at time with great difficulty; the first time (the first of many times) we were asked to sit and not move an inch for a whole hour, I sat, sank into myself, felt the subtlety arise, the vibration that only a sharpened mind can sense, and began to scan the body as we were taught, each part, feel, move on, feel move on, be aware, don't desire the pleasant vibration, don't deny the unpleasant aches, the aches, the aches, oh what is this in my legs, this pain, what is this, oh MY LEGS! The ache felt infinite, like it would never end, and the hour was eternal, like I had been left with closed eyes in some hell of unending suffering; I cursed the course, I cursed Goenka, I was desperate, I sweat and trembled, but I kept my eyes closed; I didn't move. And suddenly... braaawng. The bell. I could move. And the pain was gone and I forgot it.
My mind tried many things to get my attention, though in that time, I didn't want to give it any, I was looking elsewhere than thought for answers.
I struggled with this idea for some time. Eventually, the pain will decrease and I will be able to sit and then what?For what was this? Am I to become a masochist? No, slowly I understood that this is a course. It is a contrived situation that assists you to realize certain truths; not seek them out, but become aware of how the body reacts, the conditioned and life-long created reactions that throw us into a disarray. Pain is in not just an ache in the leg; it is the struggle in a relationship, it is the sting of harshwords, and the more we recognize them and react to them, the more they dominate us. We are cut off in traffic and for an hour after we stew while the other driver goes on in oblivion; why take that unwanted gift of suffering, why react to that which will end up being a self inflicted wound. I am totally responsible for my happiness and as well my suffering. This is a difficult concept to learn. Like all concepts, it may settle in the mind easily, but does the body agree and comply? This is the main realization: I thought I knew so much. I did, and do "know" so much, but when have I *experienced my knowledge? When have I *experienced impermanence and equanimity and change and observed it at it's deepest level in my own being? Perhaps never really. I had a moment where I was struggling, but suddenly, I did nothing, I just eased into awareness of my body as my body and felt, like a camera coming into focus, like light coming into the eyes, the reality of that which is. Just for a moment; and then for two days, I *Craved that experience again, and of course it never came because I searched and a sharp mind doesn't search, it waits and it watches the reality as the reality is; it can't create it.
The mind is a thing that I control, but at the same time, it is it's own entity, strangely. The body too; both can be observed as they function on and on.
Again, all of this is words, and the whole course was so subtle and indeed minor that I feel my life will mostly be the same, but deep down I have knowledge of a technique, a process that can help me. That I can lose too, so I will try my best to keep up the practice, such a simple practice: close my eyes and watch what happens, don't react. But it is a looong process, but a worthwhile process. Though indeed, I am the same, but with a new awareness. I'm back in Kathmandu and the noise and the honking and the stink still irritates the hell out of me, but now there is something else, and tiny ability to look at the sensation, not just the source.
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